Disclaimer: Parody post ahead. For entertainment purpose only.
Recently Sanjana Hattotuwa of Gripe views conducted an interview with Velupilai Piraphakaran Anna the CEO of the LTTE, but due to security reasons some chap has censored it’s broadcast.
This interview was recorded live in hell. NGO business mogul Sanjana spoke to ghost Pirpakaran in a confidential manner. Sanjana always maintained a corporate business style approach in his trademark Bata slippers complimented by his classic unshaven gross face.
But me being who I am got the banned video tape of the interview, however I won’t allow you people to see it because the footage is highly controversial, So I’ll just post the transcript.
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Sanjana: Mr.Pirapakaran welcome to the program. Thank you for allowing me to come to your hell.
Pirapakaran Anna: Thank you, Vanakkam.
Sanjana: Let me begin by asking you this: You’ve been in business now for the past thirty years. How is today’s terrorism different from when say, you began the LTTE.
Pirapakaran Anna: Today you know it’s a lot more competitive, we live in a globalized world. There are more terror outfits coming up which is a good thing to witness because the customer has more options to choose from.
Sanjana: You spoke about the globalization bit, can you just elaborate?
Pirapakaran Anna: Sure, in Tamilnadu for example the LTTE is the highest rated terror group. The Taliban has made tremendous progress from Afghanistan into Pakistan.
Eelam is today a worldwide phenomenon, even in places like England, Norway the industry has rapidly made progress.
Sanjana: Coming to Srilanka, you’ve been the market leader in terror for the major part of this decade, you personally had a lot of influence in wresting the #1 position from the JVP, How did you crack the Srilankan market?
Pirapakaran Anna: We didn’t want to restrict operations to only one geographical area, namely the north and east. I realized pretty early that if we were to succeed in Srilanka we had to diversify. That’s why we aggressively increased operations into the port, airport, dalada maligawa, central bank, mosques etc. You know build a pan lanka presence.
Sanjana: And you’ve done really well in Colombo.
Pirapakaran Anna: Yes, we realized that we were simply not doing enough in Colombo so we set up separate manufacturing bases in Colombo, reduced the entry age for wannabe “Maaveerar” from 18 to 11 and created a new headquarters under our ‘Lama LTTE’ brand. Sooner, the results have shown.
Sanjana: But the world is going through a global recession. How have you avoided the credit crunch to ensure enough liquidity and cash flow?
Pirapakaran Anna: You know Sanjana, people ask me that a lot!
Sanjana: Hehe! What do you say!
Pirapakaran Anna: I’ve always believed that in an industry like terrorism Money laundering funding is the best way to procure money. Our contacts through the years in places like the UK have come through which has ensured uninterrupted supply of credit. That’s how we have avoided being squeezed by this credit crunch.
Sanjana: But the LTTE has been accused of not handing over power to its next generation of leaders, what you have to say about that.
Pirapakaran Anna: That is an unfair comment, Sanjana. It might have been so a decade ago but not now. We Believe That The Youth Of Today Are The Key To Blowing Up Srilanka Tomorrow.
That’s why we started our youth cell, Lama LTTE Movement of Srilanka which has played a key role. The aim being to recruit infidel haters earlier and tap into their college’s placement cell so that they can intern with us right from the moment they come out of college.
Sanjana: You’ve also pioneered the low cost bombing model in Srilanka which is uniquely indigenous; tell us a bit about that.
Pirapakaran Anna: Funny story really! I was sitting at home one day waiting for the local restaurant guy in the jungles to bring my lunch. He arrived on a cycle carrying my lunch box.
At that moment it hit me, the LTTE could save lots of money if we put the bombs on cycles or in lunch carriers to do damage instead of trying to ambush Army Convoys.
And since Cycles and lunch Boxes don’t cost much we had to bear only the RDX costs and the money we were saving on delivery could be diverted into making more bombs. That’s how and I’m proud to say this, the LTTE has managed to create the world’s lowest cost supply chain oriented serial bombings.
Sanjana: And this is fully localized,
Pirapakaran Anna: Oh yes! We patented the system so not even the Palestinian Hezbollah can steal it. It’s a custom made carrier system which allows multiple bombs to explode via timing devices set on cycles on the same day.
Sanjana: And did you receive enough support from the past governments?
Pirapakaran Anna: Definitely! Ranil Wickramasinghe has personally ensured our success with his ‘Ceasefire Agreement Scheme’.
Sanjana: But what about present government, Rajapakshe I mean.
Pirapakaran Anna: Well they were hesitant to dilute their king stake holding in the company so we ended up becoming competitors
Sanjana: Well let’s talk about Norway.
Pirapakaran Anna: Oh they’ve been the best!
Sanjana: Really! How?
Pirapakaran Anna: Well they give us so much aid that much of it also comes to the LTTE to perform pro eelam anti- lanka activities. In fact LTTE infiltration across the Line of control is powered largely by Norwegian Aid money.
Sanjana: Who would you say is your biggest competitor in Srilanka?
Pirapakaran Anna: Without doubt the JVP. You know their past right?
Sanjana: Are you worried that they might take the #1 position from you in outsourced terror activities?
Pirapakaran Anna: No, No, No! See their base is still quite small. They’re only dominant in the southern jungles. Moreover their business methods are quite ridiculous.
The JVP for example only likes to blow up things or burn things in Parliament.
With us the LTTE on the other hand, terror is an art. That’s why the LTTE Terrorist Experience Is Much Better Than Any other terror experience.
Sanjana: Where do you go from here, Mr.Pirapakaran?
Pirapakaran Anna: Well right now I’m busy. There’s plenty to do.
Sanjana: But what about all the recent talk of Corporations giving back to society, don’t you think the LTTE should do that as well.
Pirapakaran Anna: Of course we do! And that’s why we also operate our TRO charities. Not even the Taliban does this because like I said earlier educating the youth of today is the key to blowing up Srilanka tomorrow.
Sanjana: It makes more of an impact the second time you say it!!
Pirapakaran Anna: Live and LTTE die I say!
Sanjana: He He! With that we come to a wrap of this program. Thank you Mr.Pirapakaran for talking to Gripeviews, my sorry ass award winning yellow citizen journalism initiative.
Pirapakaran Anna: Always a pleasure, Vanakkam
1 comments:
classic !
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