On my bad name

Drama queen Indi Samarajiva’s mea culpa Tuesday was a remarkable event in the sense that the blogosphere basically stopped for 15 minutes to hear him admit cheating bloggers.

Perhaps Indi, who’s already back in rehab, can take solace in that fact ... and in this slow jam remix of apology with those of his aforementioned brethren:

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On my bad name

08/03/10. Rameshwaram India. 

Many of you on Kottu are my friends. Many of you on Kottu know me. Many of you have partied with me or you've supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

This Taprobane has been making some noise now. The news is coming out in bits and pieces, and I think it is important I clarify a few things. Yes, clearly, I have been unfair and thousands of bloggers have been saying so. I am aware of this, and this is not an issue that has ‘just come up’. I’ve been grappling with it for years, but kept silent about it.

Some people have told me that I should keep silent. I did try to be silent but didn’t work. Also, people say this is how blogosphere works. Sorry, I disagree. Not all Blogosphere works like this. There are a lot of good people too. And every scandal like this helps change things for the better. And that is what I am all about anyway.

Taprobane implies I am a publicity whore. I have maintained two blogs at indica and padashow, worked on some unnamed mysterious websites, written books only to attend GLF, so celebrity bloggers like myself can easily add a few controversial lines to their blog and cause a stir to increase traffic. Making mistakes is human. Not accepting it is a sense of entitlement that only comes from an unchecked ego. However, my conscience has given its verdict.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish.  People want to know how I could have done these things to other bloggers, and to my parents. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this blogosphere. I have let you down, and I have let down my ass kissers. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment.

To everyone involved in my blogosphere, our work is more important than ever. Five years ago, I envisioned helping Srilankan bloggers achieve their dreams through Kottu blogosphere. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did, and profited the way I profited. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. The issue involved here is my repeated irresponsible criminal behavior. I was unfaithful to bloggers. I had donors. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a blogger should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life to build Kottu and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my parents, my friends, my beloved Kottu, and Srilankan bloggers all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on Kottu are only part of setting an example. Character, decency and integrity are what really count.

Young bloggers used to point to me as a role model for themselves. I owe all those kids a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand that Taprobane Uncut wants to ask me for the details and the times I cheated.

Taprobane has written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave them alone. I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me like Lefroy to become a better man. That's where my focus will be.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my Ammi taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years.

Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends on Kottu for understanding why I'm making these remarks.

In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life, the role that whales play and keeping in balance with my freelance freebee life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my kottu, my blogs and my writings.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.

Since Taprobane broke this scandal, I have received many e-mails, and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to me. I want to thank bloggers for their understanding while I work on my behavior. I look forward to seeing my fellow bloggers on Kottu.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the blog admin that my Kottu deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Finally, there are many people in this blogosphere and there are many people at home who believed in me. I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

God Bless,

Much love.

Drama Queen Indi