An open letter to Ranil Wickramasinghe

I’m pissed Ranil. Pissed.

For years I have tolerated your pathetic exits in elections and not said anything in the spirit of democracy. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever-decreasing voter base. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in your Norwegian accent.

For years I have told myself that Wimal Weerawansa was wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in Parliament. I even supported you when you chose to marry Maithree, despite your odd taste in women (largely because I believed we, the poor paradasian islanders needed a straight leader who was not gay).

But today, along with 20 million other Srilankans whose access to good leaders in politics ended with Merv the perv’s entry, I say enough!

Today, I stop dedicating blog posts to you. Today, I stop calling you a Hitler. Today, I stop Googling “Ranil Wickramasinghe and Prabakaran hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to thuggery and becoming a fan of Merv the Perv.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Karu J and his snazzy national suit for – you had to go with Shit Fonseka?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Is this some lameass attempt at making your non-existent life a success? Do you realize why Mangala got a bout of genital warts? Do you realize Prabhakaran might end up making cheesy-ass remarks about you in his hell today? All that development bullshit and you still couldn’t win today?

Years of UNP’s plans, your diktats, western conspiracy theories and millions of young people’s aspirations have been shattered thanks to your horny little uber-gay move in politics. You never will learn politics, will you, loser?

I’m giving you two months before you get sacked and leave the party. Anything more and I will start wearing a Norwegian jersey and keep tweeting about the ceasefire agreements as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn Armani suit off, Ranil. It makes you look like a total gay. Besides, suits are meant for and worn by gentlemen.

Let me however, congratulate you for believing in the concept of losing election so much, that you were willing to go for one and prove your unpopularity, time and again.

As Rauf Hakeem would say, Insha Allah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the third most famous Srilankan in our prisons since KP and Shit Fonseka. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of seeing a tearful Maithree, who may take some inspiration from her older sibling, Anoma drama queen Fonseka.

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sarath Fonseka was a Srilankan citizen, not so long ago. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given your own confusions with your Norway, UK, and US servantship. (Yes, I invented that word).

Those extra-curricular sessions with Mano Ganeshan and Rauf Hakeem turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from my school, where naughty kids are kindly told “Learn or Depart”, you seem to have forgotten this, but there are some things, which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

1. Stop acting urban, get on the rural: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about rural masses being from Colombo Seven and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of united people you can actually bank on. Dump that Colombo elite feedback that even sounds remotely like a victory. And DON’T rely on that Facebook fanpage and that Pre Polls forecast! Those are are totally fake, fool!
2. Don’t “fall in love” with Minority politicians: Rauf and Mano will always be what they are- pathetic losers. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to www.lovethecock.com – Real gays, real fun! 
3. Stop telling the media election was rigged: Really? That election was rigged is your standard defense everytime? What if you had won? Would that still have been rigged, loser?
4. Apologize to Mahinda and make friends with Basil: Make friends with them NOW and see how it’s done in style! 
5. Blame it on Eric Solheim: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Maithree the best of luck in life. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you retire gracefully, I hear for some life begins at retirement. 

Oh Yeah.. Happy New Year :) 

On my bad name

Drama queen Indi Samarajiva’s mea culpa Tuesday was a remarkable event in the sense that the blogosphere basically stopped for 15 minutes to hear him admit cheating bloggers.

Perhaps Indi, who’s already back in rehab, can take solace in that fact ... and in this slow jam remix of apology with those of his aforementioned brethren:

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On my bad name

08/03/10. Rameshwaram India. 

Many of you on Kottu are my friends. Many of you on Kottu know me. Many of you have partied with me or you've supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

This Taprobane has been making some noise now. The news is coming out in bits and pieces, and I think it is important I clarify a few things. Yes, clearly, I have been unfair and thousands of bloggers have been saying so. I am aware of this, and this is not an issue that has ‘just come up’. I’ve been grappling with it for years, but kept silent about it.

Some people have told me that I should keep silent. I did try to be silent but didn’t work. Also, people say this is how blogosphere works. Sorry, I disagree. Not all Blogosphere works like this. There are a lot of good people too. And every scandal like this helps change things for the better. And that is what I am all about anyway.

Taprobane implies I am a publicity whore. I have maintained two blogs at indica and padashow, worked on some unnamed mysterious websites, written books only to attend GLF, so celebrity bloggers like myself can easily add a few controversial lines to their blog and cause a stir to increase traffic. Making mistakes is human. Not accepting it is a sense of entitlement that only comes from an unchecked ego. However, my conscience has given its verdict.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish.  People want to know how I could have done these things to other bloggers, and to my parents. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this blogosphere. I have let you down, and I have let down my ass kissers. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment.

To everyone involved in my blogosphere, our work is more important than ever. Five years ago, I envisioned helping Srilankan bloggers achieve their dreams through Kottu blogosphere. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did, and profited the way I profited. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. The issue involved here is my repeated irresponsible criminal behavior. I was unfaithful to bloggers. I had donors. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a blogger should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life to build Kottu and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my parents, my friends, my beloved Kottu, and Srilankan bloggers all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on Kottu are only part of setting an example. Character, decency and integrity are what really count.

Young bloggers used to point to me as a role model for themselves. I owe all those kids a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand that Taprobane Uncut wants to ask me for the details and the times I cheated.

Taprobane has written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave them alone. I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me like Lefroy to become a better man. That's where my focus will be.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my Ammi taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years.

Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends on Kottu for understanding why I'm making these remarks.

In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life, the role that whales play and keeping in balance with my freelance freebee life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my kottu, my blogs and my writings.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.

Since Taprobane broke this scandal, I have received many e-mails, and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to me. I want to thank bloggers for their understanding while I work on my behavior. I look forward to seeing my fellow bloggers on Kottu.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the blog admin that my Kottu deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Finally, there are many people in this blogosphere and there are many people at home who believed in me. I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

God Bless,

Much love.

Drama Queen Indi