An open letter to Ranil Wickramasinghe

I’m pissed Ranil. Pissed.

For years I have tolerated your pathetic exits in elections and not said anything in the spirit of democracy. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever-decreasing voter base. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in your Norwegian accent.

For years I have told myself that Wimal Weerawansa was wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in Parliament. I even supported you when you chose to marry Maithree, despite your odd taste in women (largely because I believed we, the poor paradasian islanders needed a straight leader who was not gay).

But today, along with 20 million other Srilankans whose access to good leaders in politics ended with Merv the perv’s entry, I say enough!

Today, I stop dedicating blog posts to you. Today, I stop calling you a Hitler. Today, I stop Googling “Ranil Wickramasinghe and Prabakaran hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to thuggery and becoming a fan of Merv the Perv.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Karu J and his snazzy national suit for – you had to go with Shit Fonseka?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Is this some lameass attempt at making your non-existent life a success? Do you realize why Mangala got a bout of genital warts? Do you realize Prabhakaran might end up making cheesy-ass remarks about you in his hell today? All that development bullshit and you still couldn’t win today?

Years of UNP’s plans, your diktats, western conspiracy theories and millions of young people’s aspirations have been shattered thanks to your horny little uber-gay move in politics. You never will learn politics, will you, loser?

I’m giving you two months before you get sacked and leave the party. Anything more and I will start wearing a Norwegian jersey and keep tweeting about the ceasefire agreements as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn Armani suit off, Ranil. It makes you look like a total gay. Besides, suits are meant for and worn by gentlemen.

Let me however, congratulate you for believing in the concept of losing election so much, that you were willing to go for one and prove your unpopularity, time and again.

As Rauf Hakeem would say, Insha Allah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the third most famous Srilankan in our prisons since KP and Shit Fonseka. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of seeing a tearful Maithree, who may take some inspiration from her older sibling, Anoma drama queen Fonseka.

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sarath Fonseka was a Srilankan citizen, not so long ago. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given your own confusions with your Norway, UK, and US servantship. (Yes, I invented that word).

Those extra-curricular sessions with Mano Ganeshan and Rauf Hakeem turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from my school, where naughty kids are kindly told “Learn or Depart”, you seem to have forgotten this, but there are some things, which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

1. Stop acting urban, get on the rural: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about rural masses being from Colombo Seven and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of united people you can actually bank on. Dump that Colombo elite feedback that even sounds remotely like a victory. And DON’T rely on that Facebook fanpage and that Pre Polls forecast! Those are are totally fake, fool!
2. Don’t “fall in love” with Minority politicians: Rauf and Mano will always be what they are- pathetic losers. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to www.lovethecock.com – Real gays, real fun! 
3. Stop telling the media election was rigged: Really? That election was rigged is your standard defense everytime? What if you had won? Would that still have been rigged, loser?
4. Apologize to Mahinda and make friends with Basil: Make friends with them NOW and see how it’s done in style! 
5. Blame it on Eric Solheim: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Maithree the best of luck in life. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you retire gracefully, I hear for some life begins at retirement. 

Oh Yeah.. Happy New Year :)